Our official press release, About the Army of the Alien Monkeys: This post is in recycle bin

Hi Earthlings, my name is Commander Z 2094.E, also known as Command Z because it’s cool and people like to shorten names.

Today, I’ve been tasked with teaching you about the Army of the Alien Monkeys by our public relations team.

So, the aim is to help reduce any tension and to build confidence in us while we invade your planet, and without further ado, here goes.

First of all, who we are and where we came from.

Well the first part is easy, because the answer is in our name. Except here on Earth, the word, “army” probably has a completely different meaning. We are an army nevertheless. We do have soldiers, and missions, and technically we invade many civilizations, which probably make us appear as, well okay, fine, we’re just like an army on Earth. But we do have and I quote, “Take no prisoners and leave no witnesses” policy.

WAIT… wait.. kidding! I mean, “Take no property and absolutely no killing” policy.

Because you see, while we carry out our invasion, we don’t want to disrupt life on this planet.

In fact no one will ever know we are here!

Which does make me wonder why we have a public relations team.

For the second question, where we come from. Now that is a tricky one. We don’t know!

Over a million years ago, our ancestors left their home planet and journeyed deep into space. So ever since, we’ve considered ourselves to be nomads and explorers with no homes.

The reason we left our home is also a bit of a mystery. Some think it has to do with a war.

“What war?” If that’s not your next question, then it really should be. The more precise reason we’re called the Army of the Alien Monkeys is because we are in an intergalactic, interdimensional, universal war. And next question, yes we did inadvertently bring the war to your doorsteps.

Maybe I should tell you a little about our enemy, seeing as they might come here any day and obliterate everything!

Our enemy and I guarantee soon to be your enemy too is a race of alien robotic technology we call the nET.

To explain it in simple terms to you Earthlings, think of them as AI bots. Except they are not artificial as much as we can tell. They’ve been around as long as we have.

What they are is ruthless, relentless and seemingly unstoppable. Due to their natural robotics, they can and do operate as a single mind. Every bot knows what the other is thinking and doing because they are all connected into a multidimensional network we call a liquid net.

I would try to explain what a liquid net is but then you’d probably start yapping on about quantum mechanics. And for the hundred or more times, everything you don’t yet comprehend is not quantum mechanics.

But getting back on topic, did I mention I have a stenographer taking notes of everything I say? Yeah he was assigned to me by the council when I got this public relations task.

He literally types everything I say all day and night long. And I don’t mean to be trouble, but I can’t stop going off topic and it drives him nuts. In fact before he got the job, a robot was doing it. But the robot got so annoyed with me it one day just said it had enough and walked out.

What was I talking about again? Oh right, the war and the bots that might any day now, annihilate every living thing on this planet. Great, I’m back on topic. See I don’t just carry on endlessly. There is a process to this. Hey stenographer? You’re getting all of this right?

Anyway, I think I said about enough for this press release. However, the public relations team, after reading my first draft, immediately canceled the post and said it would probably freak-out everyone and cause mass panic.

Well, I don’t know, it did not seem too bad. Maybe I should have left out the part about the stenographer.

Anyway, after posting it to the blog I changed the title to say, “In recycle bin.” That way no one will find it.