Oat-takes The Win: New Study Reveals 10%

The porridge lobby has finally landed its knockout blow. While the rest of us were busy tracking the slow-motion collapse of various institutions this morning, a group of researchers decided to see what happens when you shove two days of fiber down the throats of people who probably preferred a croissant.

Bad cholesterol dropped by ten percent. I think the sheer speed of this arterial scrubbing is enough to make a cardiologist weep with joy into their avocado toast because the results stayed stuck in the system for a full six weeks after the participants stopped eating like Victorian orphans. Why I care is simple: we finally have a health victory that doesn’t involve drinking vinegar or staring at the sun.

Microbes are the real winners.

But the actual magic involves a massive shift in the bacterial colonies living inside your intestines where these tiny organisms churn out substances that keep your heart from turning into a clogged pipe. I noticed the control group merely ate fewer calories while the oat-eaters achieved something approaching a biological miracle.

ScienceDaily provided details on this topic earlier today. In light of these findings, the bowl of mush on your counter looks less like a chore and more like a superpower. As far as I am concerned, we should probably stop worrying about the robots taking over and start worshipping the humble grains that manage to fix your blood in forty-eight hours. And it works.